Poetry is never okay

Stage 5 Clinger # 1 (I’ve had more than one!!!)

His name: We’ll call him Cedric

My age: 21

His age: 21 (I think)

How we met: At a party or a bar or something. I honestly can’t remember¹.

Our first date: We went to the budget movie theater in Murfreesboro and saw Hidalgo².

Viggo, my boy, if you're not getting nekkid, i'm off it.

Length of relationship: One date³.

Why it started: He was there⁴.

                                               

1. When I asked Ty if she remembered where we met, she couldn’t remember, either. When I threw out “some website” as an option, she vehemently answered, “no, you didn’t do websites back then…” Ha. As opposed to my current state of “doing” websites. She did, however, recall that he had a spot-on feminine boy impression, during which he stuck his ass out, batted his eyelashes and cooed, "Hey there sultry eyes." Ty loved it. I did not.
2. Terrible movie, and even more terrible date movie. I do not recommend.
3. This will be a recurring theme.
4. This will also be a recurring theme.

The Story:

Cedric and I met somewhere, doing something fun, I’m sure. My college days were full of fun. I had a busy social life, and at this time I had just started nursing school, so I still had time for things other than re-copying my notes incessantly and making up stupid coordinating songs and dances to remember the disease process of liver failure⁵. Basically, I hadn’t yet realized how much I would have to study to make Cs. Meh. Anyhow, Cedric seemed like a cool enough guy. He was a stocky guy, very tall, probably 6’3 and about 275 pounds, with gorgeous blue eyes. He was also Caucasian, even though his name does not sound like it⁶.

not exactly what I have in mind when I think "stocky" but okay....

5. Hhhheeeeeeyyyyyyy, liver flap! I think Ashley still has the video somewhere…
6. I've protected his identity because, according to facebook, some poor girl is voluntarily spending time with him these days, and I don't want to humiliate her - what a sad state of affairs.

So, Cedric and I most likely texted for a few days and then decided to go on a date. We decided to see Hidalgo, a decision that I still question, and headed back to the townhouse that Ty and I rented at the time. Ty wasn’t home when we got back, and we settled in on the couch and perhaps turned the television on, who knows. I am mainly concerned with what happened once the kissing evolved into the every politically correct term “heavy petting.”⁷.

7. I STRONGLY URGE you to look this term up on UrbanDictionary.com. Hilarity is sure to ensue.

Cedric and I moved the action to the bedroom, where he apparently believed that he would be sleeping for the night. However, this was soon to change, as he screamed out like a pre-pubescent girl when my skin⁸ made contact with his skin^9,10.

8. My hand.
9. Not his hand.
10. How’s that for keepin it PG-13???

aaaaaaaaaand i'm done.

I was appalled. I froze. I was literally unable to move, I was so disgusted. My boy, that is the absolute INCORRECT reaction to that type of stimulation. You know when you’re all in the mood for some romanticals and everything is going well, things are on their way, you’re feeling it, it’s gonna be good stuff, we’re gonna--- aaaannnnddddd no. Can’t do it. Nope. Get out of my bed and go the hell home. RIGHT DAMN NOW!!! Don’t think for one second that I didn’t make him leave. I did, and I didn’t plan on talking to him ever again. Apparently he had different plans.

bye

I think that it was about a week later that I received an AIM from him¹¹ approximately fifteen seconds after I had signed on. Stalker, much? But, in the interest of letting him down gently, I talked to him for a moment. Of course, the conversation came around to seeing me again in no time at all. I declined his invitation in my usual honest way by telling him that I just had not felt a “spark” when we were together¹². There was a moment’s pause as AOL told me, in small faded gray letters, that he was typing a response. I was pretty shocked when I read what he had typed in reply. In fact, it had caused me to simultaneously laugh out loud¹³ and become quite irritated. He had said “WHAT? You waited ALL this time to tell me that?!” I was sure that he had me confused with some other girl he had been dating. With a perplexed look on my face, I typed, “All what time? It’s been four days.” He waited a few beats and asked if we could still be friends. I told him that sure, we could still be friends, thinking to myself how that very rarely happens. With that statement, both people are basically agreeing to not harbor hard feelings toward the other, and if faced with the awkward situation of running into each other in a social setting, you will be, at the very least, civil with each other. Cool. Done. Moving right along…

what? this? oh, i was just... i am in the mood for a hot dog... for dinner, i mean... not for anything else...  ok then.

11. Ah, AOL Instant Messenger. Remember the extremely detailed “away” messages that would get posted? Something to the effect of, “I’m going to class, then to lunch, then to more classes, then I have to run to Food Lion, then to the gym (what, what!), then headed to the Beta house for a party!!! Hit me on my cellie if you need me!!!” Like anyone, anywhere, at any time needed to know your schedule in that much detail. It was the facebook status of the old days.
12. This was not untrue. He didn’t need to know the particular reason for the lack of a spark, did he? Actually, I probably could have done his current girlfriend a favor by just breakin it on down for him, but I didn’t have the balls to do that at the time – don’t be testin me now, though!
13. LOL!

We didn’t have any classes together, so I carried on for the next few weeks not thinking much of the whole situation¹⁴, until I receive another AIM from him. I am intrigued, because, honestly, I did pick up a little cray vibe coming off of him, not gonna lie.

14. Unless I was telling my friends about the awkward bedroom situation, a story which was, and still is, funny as hell. This was before the times when my friends ask me to tell “all of my stories” to complete strangers whom I have known for three minutes. However, they are hilarious and decent ice breakers and let’s face it: I just plain don’t give a damn and am very comfortable with laughing at myself. These types of things happen to me ALL. THE. TIME.

Our instant message convo went a little something like this:

Cedric44: Hey, how’s it going?

Courtney33: Fine. How are you doing?

Cedric44: Fine. Been seeing a new girl lately. She’s really hot.

Courtney33: (staring at computer screen with straight face and right eyebrow arching to the sky, my typical look of skepticism) Well, that’s awesome. Hope it goes well.

Cedric44: I bought some of that cologne that you thought smelled so good. I think I’m gonna wear it next time I take her out.

Courtney33: (acknowledging how random that statement is) Oh yeah…. Smells good.

Cedric44: Yeah… maybe the next guy that you date will wear that cologne…

Courtney33: (thinking “uuuhhhhhhhh…………..”) ok….

Cedric44: Yeah, and then you can stomp all over his heart like you stomped on mine.

And then he sent me a poem that he had written about how I had broken his heart, and he just wanted someone to love him for who he was, etc., etc., etc. At this point I’m becoming worried that he knows where I live. So, because I’m sensitive like that, I promptly told everyone that I knew what a weirdo he was. EVERYONE.

Cedric was the first of many clingy men who have been in my life, and I believe that every woman needs to experience at least one clinger in her life for the following reasons:

A. It’s nice to feel wanted, even when the person who wants you is likely capable of ending your life one day.

B. It makes for titillating conversation.

C. It will give you a renewed appreciation for every single man that you’ve ever done this to… and we’ve all had a few! Don’t even lie about it, ladies. We’ve all had a clingy moment. It’s okay to admit it.

I would have been content to stop at one clinger. However, there have been two since then, their actions increasing in severity as their age increases. Hopefully, this last one¹⁵ will be the final chapter in my book of obsessive men, but time will tell. Damn these good looks of mine – they’re a blessing and a curse¹⁶!

15. Which lasted a total of five days! Yesssssssss… they just can’t even handle themselves long enough to learn my middle name.
16. I wish they would back up OFF a sister. Let a playa PLAY!