Hi. I am
thirty years old. I am a successful, Master’s prepared Registered Nurse who
owns her own home. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and the best dog
in the world. I’m not hard to look at. I'm brutally honest, golden retriever loyal and pretty damn funny if I do say so myself. However, I am seemingly perpetually
single. At this point, most people offer the usual platitudes, such as “You’ll
meet him when you least expect it” or “One day, when you’re not looking for it”
and “He’s out there.” To these comments I almost always reply, “Don’t you think
that old lady with all the pit bulls that lives on the corner heard that a
billion times? I bet she was cooler than me when she was thirty.”
I truly question whether or not I will ever meet someone that I can stand for more than five minutes, and I don’t feel that my list of criteria is that picky – most of my friends agree. My list is fairly simple. He will act like a grown man, rather than a boy. Is ambitious and able to pay his bills and still afford to take me out on a date every once in a while. Is confident, but not arrogant. Is able to read and string together some coherent thoughts to contribute to a meaningful conversation every so often. Is fairly talented with the romanticals, or at least willing to learn new tricks. Is not hard to look at. Is nice to my family and friends. Loves my dog. Eventually decides that I’m absolutely amazing, drama allergy and low threshold for bullshit included. Does not have children who will give me shit for not being their mommy. Does not want me to act like his mommy.
I could go on and on. The point is, I’m not that picky (am I???), and I still can’t find anyone. I have been on eHarmony twice and Match.com more times than I can count (I think I’m currently on my fifth go round). Most of my friends are married or attached, and we all know that the “married and attached” tend to congregate with other “marrieds and attacheds,” so that’s hopeless. Meeting someone at work is basically out of the question. Doctors are notoriously married and cheating or single and narcissistic. Done and done. Or gay. REAL done. I certainly can't date a patient, mainly because now that I work in Pediatrics, it would be illegal and/or immoral. I attempted to go to a large church and attend a “singles” class (which I know is the shittiest reason EVER to attend church, but I actually enjoy the services at this particular locale, so it was a win-win). This was a catastrophe due to the fact that out of literally fifty some-odd classes, one (let me re-iterate that point: OOOONNNNNNEEEEEEEEE) class was geared toward people in their late twenties who were single, because, let's face it, I might as well be a leper. Late twenties spinsterhood is a fate worse than death in the Bible Belt. A class. Just one. And guess what happened when I went to said class? I’ll give you three guesses but I bet you only need one!! Everyone in the class was dating each other and they talked about how to build a life with your significant other. Vomit on my patent leather pumps (which I probably wasn’t wearing but it sounded “literary”).
So, having decided that there's nothing left to do at this point than to have a good belly laugh at it all, I will now regale you with my top eleven list of dating No-No’s. Close friends will appreciate the sheer amount of stupid shit that has happened to me, and will vehemently back me up when I tell you that it was damn near impossible to narrow this list to only ten items/events/situations… so I decided to go with eleven!
**Editor's note: I stopped after three entries because I'm going to write a book instead (one day!).
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